Reince Priebus talks about things that come out of various orifices of his body (eww)

Who has two thumbs and no redeeming qualities? This guy!

RNC chair Reince Priebus got snippy with ABC news today when he was questioned about the lack of specifics coming from the Romney campaign in terms of policy. Reince Priebus will have you know that's such bullshit because the Republican party has more specifics than they know what to do with! "I mean we've got specifics coming out of our eyeballs", said Priebus. A fact-checker later confirmed that Mr. Priebus refers to his tears as "specifics." And we can also confirm that the foul, wretched waste that comes from his mouth is in fact  Republican policy.

Ann Romney gets her magic underwear in a bunch, makes it next to impossible to remove the stick from her ass

You better check yourself. Ann Romney will cut a bitch.

Ann Romney is so mad at "you people"! Why don't you leave poor Mitt alone? Prominent conservatives like Peggy Noonan and Bill Kristol were quick to criticize Romney after his latest, and perhaps greatest, fuck-up to date which we will call "47%-of-you-bastards-are-poor-so-fuck-you-gate". Ann Romney is not trying to hear that shit and you bitches better recognize. "This is hard. You want to try it? Get in the ring," she said in a Thursday interview with Radio Iowa.  Oh. My. God. All this time I thought running for President was easy. I feel really bad for both of them right now. I would feel so much better if I knew that they would have a great life to go back to even if Mitt doesn't win. A beautiful and carefree life filled with mansions, fancy dancing horses, and more money than they could ever possibly spend. Oh wait....

Paul Ryan is NOT getting five dollars in his birthday card this year

Paul Ryan has a sad.

Vice Presidential candidate and young whipper-snapper Paul Ryan was booed at an AARP conference this week. Those old people must be in cahoots with the liberal media or something. Why don't they just sit there and be quiet and let Paul Ryan lie to them? You guys ruin everything! This is why Paul Ryan never visits anymore!

Sarah Palin has political advice for Mitt Romney

Sarah Palin tells  a crowd about that time she did "double bukkake"

Since Sarah Palin is so knowledgeable about winning presidential elections, she has some advice for candidate Romney on how to make his campaign super awesome. Because, seriously, fuck all of those advisors you are paying that have years of experience and listen instead to the one-term ex-governor turned reality-tv personality who's claim to fame is making John McCain completely unelectable. What does this political genius have in mind? Palin says "With so much at stake in this election, both Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan should 'go rogue' and not hold back from telling the American people the true state of our economy and national security."  Yeah you guys go rogue! Tell the American people how sucky the economy is and how tax breaks for really rich people can fix it because remember how that never worked before? Also, national security rabble rabble, because otherwise we are all going to die and then the terrorists win and that's what Obama wants you guys! Palin also said that the party needs to "find ways to break through the filter of the liberal media to communicate their message of reform." Yeah stupid liberal media. Always sabotaging the Republican party by reporting the factual yet ridiculous shit their candidates say and do. How dare they? Well Sarah, thank you so much for your two-cents on how to save the Republican presidential campaign. Here's a cookie. Make sure you eat it before you go back to babbling incoherent nonsense and smearing your feces all over everything. 

Mitt Romney is a douche

Mitt Romney laughs as he watches poor people fight each other to the death for food.

This afternoon, footage recorded surreptitiously at a private fundraiser for Romney was released and it confirmed what many have suspected for months, if not years: Mitt Romney is a douche. Today, America got a chance to see the real Mitt. For perhaps the first time this campaign season, he sounded genuine, almost human even. Cracking  jokes about how much easier this whole election thing would be if he were Mexican ('Cause life is always easier in this country for brown people!) Just a guy chillin' with a room full of people that have $50,000 each to drop on dinner and a chit-chat. His kind of people. These people were not the least bit disgusted when the man who wants to be the next President of this republic comes right out and says 47% of its citizens are free-loading fuck-ups. 47% of us are apparently entirely dependent on government hand-outs and for that reason, and that reason alone, we will be voting for Obama. Yes, we are all sitting around high on government cheese, too stupid to realize that things would be way better if Mitt Romney were in the White House. If someone would just pry that fat government teat out of our mouths, perhaps we wouldn't be such listless fucking losers. I mean the only reason we have that shit job at Walmart is so we can make next to nothing, so we can qualify for food stamps. We could totally have our parents buy us a house and put us through college like real, honest, hard-working Americans (looking at you Mittens), but where's the fun in that? We love our luxurious lives where we make $20,000 a year and don't have to pay any federal income tax (those other taxes we pay obviously don't count because someone said so at some point or something). That's way better than, um, I don't know....let's say making millions off capital gains and paying an effective tax rate of around 14%.